Mixed Feelings & Mixed CDs
by Brandi Fullwood on April 21, 2015
Posted in: Eclectic, Electronic, Funk, Music, Pop, Pop Punk, Punk, Rock
After taking a nap for 3 1/2 hours I get dressed again but alter one thing. A shirt or a sweater. Or change the outfit entirely, only a handful of people saw me anyway. Plus that’s beside the point. After confirming that dinner plans have been cancelled, I walk into proctor at exactly 6:23pm. I slightly scorch my bagel as I consider all the scenarios in which to ask him to meet me in the dining hall for coffee. It’s just coffee. I take mine with too much sugar. At dinner I make an attempt to accidentally make eye contact. It does not work. This is where I stop paying attention to the conversation with my friends and compile a list of songs for the mix cd that I am dying to make for him. It is only an idea, because mix CDs never work.
It has been over year since I’ve actually burned a physical CD. I’ve come to terms with my problem. However, the desire to mix has never fled. This is a reoccurring problem, evidenced by the numerous Spotify playlists that have taken the place of emotional expression via CD-ROM.
Over six hours are logged into my pretend productive lifestyle at the library, two of which are actually dedicated to doing work, four on Snapchat/weighing the costs of my impulsivity. The trek back home will be painful. Wind chill clawing at my pores, freezing all of the moisture in my face, paralyzing my hands and toes, creating layers of frost all over my body—all ignored by an idea to *burn. Thirty songs would never fit. Maybe I should split them into two, burn the disc and anonymously mail it. No that’s weird, plus mix CDs never work.
Over the past five years, I have made several mix CDs, many of them platonic, many disguised as such. The problem with creating mix CDs is you begin to share them with people you imagined at 1:16am giving a fuck about you. The minute they stare into your soul and cast you away like some helpless goat is the moment everything you’ve done is shielded with this platonic disguise. At one point you will convince yourself that the hours of effort were “no big deal” or “something to do with spare time” and that deep down all you really wanted was to “chill” with them. This is how toys, mix CDs and people get shelved. In reality by the time you quiver upward to form a smile, you’ll make a smirk. You will sink to a point of zero gravity and want to recall the CDs and future impulsive behavior. You’ll cling to lyrics that are precipitating down your face trying to shoe gaze your cries that hit the walls as loud as loose change. This is problematic, but not unresolvable.
A short list of tips:
1.) No need to rationalize putting together a well-crafted cd for 3 weeks to give to someone that didn’t have the decency to let you know that a girl will come in and scream at you. There’s no need for further miscommunication.
2.) Hiding behind rap music because you want to match their carefree attitude will leave you feeling 808 or Take Care—hyped and alone.
3.) Listening to grunge music does not belong to them. Musical associations with a person who probably doesn’t think of you late at night or the early morning should be immediately removed. But keep all of their merch.
4.) Climbing in and out of the attempts to be cynical or elusive or mysterious or some adjective that makes it seem that you don’t care that they don’t want anything to do with you will also be problematic at 1:16am.
After the varied encouragement to continue the business of mix CDs, I’ve decided to be more skeptical as to who receives them. Mix CDs have not worked not only because you can’t convince people with bad taste in music to like you, but also because intent should have been covered before the impulsive idea came to mind. There has yet to be anyone deserving and so I’ve quelled the urge by compiling some of my unburned favorites.
At 1:16am when I get the urge to make a bouquet of mix CDs for some boy that made me ruin my everything bagel, I forget to make them a Mix CD. (I think it’s best if I forget them as well)
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